Voodoo #1 – A Bill, Some Tits, Strippers!
0
So basically, there’s this stripper, and she turns into an alien or something and claws someone’s face off or something.
Teen Titans #1 – A Bird, A Plane, False Advertising!
4
Honestly, I was a little disappointed in this. After loving Lobdell’s Superboy and Red Hood and the Outlaws as much as I did, my expectations were really high here. Even the cover looked promising, showing a great balance of old heroes I had no idea about and completely new characters. It even has a great artist. I’m not familiar with Brett Booth from anything else, but just look at the art. It’s good art, and totally suited to a major team book like this one.
The problem is, it suffers from the same problem as the other major team book like this one, namely Justice League. We’re introduced to a couple of characters before the team is really a thing, it moves slowly, and we’re kind of left in the lurch as far as finding out who’s who. Half of the characters on the cover don’t even appear in the issue.
Superman #1 – A Bird, A Plane, Bad Comics!
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The thing about reboots is that they’re supposed to be new. The thing about George Perez, whether you love him or hate him, is that he is not. He’s good at drawing ugly people in teams, and really, it’s not all bad He had a good Avengers run, for example. But this is supposed to be the new face of Superman.
This looks and feels old and bad. After how successful Morrison’s Action Comics completely reinvigorated the character and the title, this is simply a massive fucking disappointment. The art looks like something that would have been at home in the 80s with a modern coloring job, and there are text boxes everywhere.
Savage Hawkman #1 – Liefeld’s Writing This Now, Too
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Is there any connection between Hawk & Dove and Hawkman? I can’t help but notice that Hank and Carter Hall both have the same last name. But seriously, I don’t have a clue who Hawkman is since apparently there have been sixty thousand versions of him or something, and true to form this one doesn’t make any sense either. There’s pretty fire, though.
Justice League Dark #1 – Teeth, Clones, And Vests, Oh My!
0
I am going totally blind into this and hoping it shall be glorious. My sole exposure to John Constantine is through the opening arc of Sandman, and Madame Xanadu is basically That Character I Ignore Whenever She Is Mentioned, so I really hope this is as good as it purports to be. I’d love to care.
Let’s see now.
I, Vampire #1 – You, Bad Comic Title
0
This could be interesting. I’m vaguely familiar with Fialkov from this one Dark Horse series about forensics and some bloodthiefery that may or may have been vampiric in nature that always impressed me with the angles it used for art. I’m glad to see that Fialkov has graduated to the Big Two, but I’d sort of been subconsciously assuming that this would end up as some sparkling Twilight mystery dance. Glad to see it isn’t that, too.
While the first issue is basically just two vampires whining about how they don’t love eachother anymore, it does happen to be because one is terribly evil and wants to go to war with humanity, where the other wants to stay indoors drinking cow blood and working the night shift rather than have his entire race annihilated by half a dozen Green Lanterns and an alien messiah with a cape.
Green Lanterns: New Guardians #1 – This Is How You Do It!
1
Whoah. WHOAH. Hold the fucking PHONE. The LAST thing I expected to see opening this ambiguously-titled Green Lantern–which, if you recall, did not reboot at all–spin-off was an actual origin story. Not a new origin, either. This isn’t present time, nor is it the let’s-arbitrarily-back-up-a-few-years thing they’re doing in Justice League and Action Comics. This is a flat-out retelling, from square one, with no framing sequences or flashbacks or any of that, of how Kyle Rayner got a Green Lantern ring and became, for a time, Earth’s only green lantern.
Not simply in a page or two, either. A good third of the issue is devoted to introducing you to the character of Kyle Rayner (and Ganthet, I guess) and how he became a superhero.
FUCKING TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH, GUYS.
The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #1 – Long-Ass Title
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I only know about Firestorm at all because I happened to own a copy of The Fury of Firestorm #1, circa 1982, which I seem to have lit on fire and thrown out a window at some point in the not-too-distant past. What can I say? It seemed rather appropriate, all things considered. I can’t flip back through it, for obvious reasons, but I vaguely remember it being about Ronnie Raymond, a high school dumb person, and something about a ghost professor who he fused in the matrix or something, and native american ghosts? And he shot nukes at people, I think?
Regardless, now there seem to be two Firestorms, and their mighty-morphing gestalt powers are intact as ever, as the entire gimmick of the stupidly long title becomes apparent on the final page, when both nuclear men fuse to form a radioactive giant named… Fury.
Flash #1 – Life Is Locomotion
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I don’t know much about the Flash other than that he runs fast, and I have to say, my reaction to this book is kind of mixed, and I do mean mixed as in mixed, not mixed as in I’m being a politically correct pussy and avoiding calling it out for being horrible dogshit. I even have a tag for doing that, see?
I tried getting into Flash before DC rebooted. Barry Allen’s return seemed marketed as a jumping-on point, much like Hal Jordan’s was a couple of years earlier. You’d think that, seeing as both had similarly-named minis featuring the return of the iconic versions of the heroes in questions written and drawn by the same two people, the one would serve as a great beginning to a newly revitalized line just like the other did, wouldn’t you? Well, you’d think.
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Blackhawks #1 – Because Bad Ideas Work Better The Second Time Around!
1
Really, DC? Another war comic? I already told you why this was a horrible idea, and in a fairly timely manner, too. To be fair, the art isn’t horrible, and there’s something vaguely interesting going on with nanotech, but I don’t know who any of these people are and it isn’t telling me fast enough to care. More importantly, the book’s already been cancelled. I’m only beating the final issue here by, what, two weeks? Regardless, I’ve covered it before, it’s done, and I don’t care.
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